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LEEBRON JAMES NAMED 7TH PRESIDENT OF RICE
Cleveland Cavaliers point-guard rookie sensation to take office July
HOUSTON--December 17, 2003 -- Described by colleagues as "an
academic baller of the highest order," a player of
"unquestioned trustworthiness, integrity and honesty," and
one who passes the ball, takes good shots, and acts determinedly,
Leebron "King" James, the Professor of Ankle-Breaking and
Dean of the School-Bus-Driving, will become the 7th President of Rice
University, effective July 1.
The chairman of the Rice Board of Trustees, E. William Barnett,
made the announcement Wednesday, Dec. 17, after the board voted
unanimously in favor of trading Sammy the Owl and a 2nd round draft
pick for the teenage superstar. He will succeed
Malcolm Gillis, who earlier announced he would retire on June 30, 2004,
due to chronic back problems after 11 years as president of Rice.
Leebron (pronounced le-BRON), 19, has been consistently improving
his game since his debut to the NBA. He is averaging a little
over 20 points , 6 boards , and 6 assists per game. The more people see of Leebron, Barnett said, the more they are
going to like him.
"We signed Leebron because we felt he was a
confident, cool, charismatic leader that epitomized our university.
Just look at his stats--if he can do that while he's 19, just
imagine what he'll be able to do when he's 48!!"
Leebron said that he was equally impressed with Rice and Houston:
"I feel so privileged to be given the opportunity to help
lead an institution of Rice University's quality--During
high school, sometimes you can just relax, but in the university you
have to play every second like it's your last," he said.
am extremely pleased that I will get to see Yao Ming and the Houston
Rockets play on a regular basis. I will be sad to leave the
Cleveland Cavaliers, but at the same time cannot imagine a more exciting opportunity
than this. PEACE OUT." Later that day, Leebron's
hummer got hit by the MetroRail while he was driving to Pho Saigon
and he recanted his previous statement. "This place
SUCKS," he said.
Jim Crownover, Rice trustee and chairman of the 15-person search
committee that unanimously recommended Leebron to the board, said
the committee had developed a list of 20 criteria for evaluating
committee also started with one unofficial prohibition: "No
"You will not meet anyone smarter than Leebron James,"
said Robert Curl, Nobel Prize-winning chemistry professor. "I
am awestruck at his ability to think on his feet about a subject he
knows far less about than we Rice University. His best
attribute is his ability to make the correct pass with flair. His size and versatility allow
him to play multiple positions. Coaches and teammates praise his
unselfishness. Leebron is the man. It's like he's not
even human, people. It's almost as if he came from the planet
with all those Space Jam monsters and wants to teach us a
lesson. He's saying, 'Look at me!! I'm 19 and I'm in the
NBA!! What have YOU done with your life?? You're still
in college!!! hAAhaahahahaha!!! =P'"
Born and reared in Akron, OH, Leebron led St. Vincent-St. Mary (SVSM)
to three state championships in four seasons. He was named Mr.
Basketball for the state of Ohio by AP and named to USA Today All-USA First Team
three times. His first order of business as Rice University's
president will be to build 30 more parking gates and implement the
controversial "key to the 'bling-bling'" plan.
# # #
Rice University is consistently ranked one of Americas
best teaching and research universities. It is distinguished by its
abundance of parking gates (at least one for every student) and low
student to parking space ratio (5 students for every parking space).
Rice is also notorious for saying that they will give students the
"key to the kitchen" but effectively locking up the kitchens
so that students starve while studying for tests at 3am in the