>> -- From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to >> imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" >> >> HONORABLE MENTIONS: >> >> My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him >> we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our >> bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most >> of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to >> upset him. >> >> >> It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the >> president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of >> course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a >> candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long >> weekends. >> >> >> Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who >> had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he >> really needed them, right? >> >> When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he >> better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. >> >> I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, >> which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come >> on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? >> >> I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer >> as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's >> because he sucks. >> >> Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I >> think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" >> >> If you really want to impress people with your computer >> literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything >> you say, dot com. >> >> I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've >> found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I >> already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't >> have a sense of humor. >> >> WINNER >> >> If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and >> visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and >> quiet it would be until the looting started. >> >> \|||/ >> (O O) >> --------------------------------ooO--V--Ooo----------------------------