David Letterman Stuff Dave's Lines of the Week Monday, February 10 - Friday, February 14 "Ladies and gentlemen, it's official: Michael Jackson is a father. Here's something else that's official: we're all kind of creeped out." "Michael Jackson, during the delivery, wore a surgical mask over his surgical mask." "Yesterday, of course, in Cleveland, Ohio, was the 50th annual NBA All-Star Game. Coincidentally, here in New York City, the Toy Fair has opened up and some company is marketing a Dennis Rodman doll, Chicago Bulls Dennis Rodman doll. It's $19.95, assault and battery not included." "Incidentally, in some parts of the country, the Dennis Rodman doll is being marketed under the name of 'Kick Me Elmo.'" ***************************************************************************** TOP TEN LISTS FROM THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN Top Ten Reasons O.J. Is Moving To Florida" As presented on the 02/18/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. He's fed up with Hollywood's declining moral values. 9. New job heading Bruno Magli's gator-skin shoe division. 8. Hoping to "kill" a few frozen Margaritas. 7. Punishment for wrongful death in Dade County: $15 fine and a written apology. 6. Hopes someday to join a retirement community for elderly psychopaths. 5. Offer from Burt Reynolds dinner theater to star with Kato Kaelin in "The Odd Couple". 4. Planning to hunt down those snotty little punks from MTV's "Real World" in Miami. 3. Florida golf courses less strict about the "No Murderers" rule. 2. One in a million chance that he can get work promoting fresh-squeezed Florida "OJ". 1. He's guilty... of loving shuffleboard. "Things That Would Be Different if Clinton Had Been Our First President" As presented on the 02/17/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Instead of "President," highest office in the land is called, "Burger King " 9. Indiana and Ohio known as "East and West Bubbaland" 8. Preamble to Constitution contains 23 references to cheese fries 7. His early morning jogs would have been enough to scare off the entire Indian population 6. The first amendment: "You have the right to get, like, totally stoned" 5. Schoolchildren learn about how Clinton chopped down a cherry tree, then ate it 4. The term "Father of Our Country" would have an entirely different meaning 3. Instead of man wearing powdered wig, dollar bill features man holding powdered donut 2. Washington Monument would be anatomically correct 1. Our national bird: the Chicken McNugget "Signs Your Secret Admirer is Nuts" As presented on the 02/13/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Every day the words "Be Mine" are freshly mowed into your lawn 9. His last letter ended, "If you won't be my Valentine, will you at least be my alibi?" 8. There's something trying to get out of one of the chocolates 7. To impress you, he attempts to assassinate funnyman Arte Johnson 6. Sends you love poem: "I'd like for you and I to date, 'cause you're so much prettier than my cellmate" 5. Says he'll meet with you as soon as the standoff with the FBI is over 4. He somehow manages to write you a 30-page love letter that only uses the word "pancakes" 3. Her name is Linda and she's one happenin' lady 2. He's convinced Hillary won't notice if you move into the Lincoln Bedroom 1. He thinks O.J. is innocent "Ways Celebrities Can Raise $33.5 Million Dollars" As presented on the 02/12/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Oksana Baiul -- Return all her empties for deposits 9. Janet Reno -- Rejoin the "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling" 8. Bill Gates -- Look under his sofa cushions 7. Boutros Boutros-Ghali -- Auction off a Boutros 6. Marcia Clark -- Screw up some more murder trials and write books about them 5. Gary Burghoff (Radar from "M*A*S*H") -- Tour the country as star of Broadway show "Radar-Mania" 4. Robert Downey Jr. -- Vacuum his apartment, then sell contents of bag on street 3. Me, Dave Letterman -- Switch networks again 2. Cast of "Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk -- Bring in less funk, causing funk shortage; when worldwide funk prices soar, bring in funk again, thereby making a killing on the open market 1. President Clinton -- Appear in "Star Wars" sequel as space creature "Bubba the Hut" "Ways O.J.'s Life Will Be Different Now That He's Broke" As presented on the 02/11/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Goodbye Bruno Magli...hello Hush Puppies! 9. His attorney for the appeal: a 14-year-old who once saw "Law and Order" 8. Might have to do one of those humiliating "Milk Mustache" ads 7. He and Kato will be fighting over sofas to sleep on 6. Next time he kills somebody, he might actually go to jail 5. Will have to trade in his knit cap for a McDonald's hairnet 4. Before: golf with Warren Beatty. Now: bowling with guy who played Dwayne on "What's Happenin'!" 3. Will have to start making shopping mall appearances with other famous murderers 2. A.C. Cowlings will be driving O.J. from house-to-house on his paper route 1. He'll have to make do with gloves that don't fit "O.J. Defense Team Excuses" As presented on the 02/05/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Hard to prepare a defense when you're trying to negotiate a book deal 9. Mistake to let O.J. appear in court wearing Bruno Magli shoes 8. Wasted $10,000 on so-called "jury hypno-wheel" 7. After buying each juror a puppy, we thought we were home free 6. Hard to concentrate with Faye Resnick posing for Playboy in the back of the courtroom 5. Turns out that a major civil liability suit can be won by simply using the "force" 4. In retrospect, maybe it was a bad idea to let O.J. host "Saturday Night Live" 3. Tough to defend a client against murder when he, like, killed two people 1. Three words: no Mark Fuhrman "Ways O.J. Can Still Win Civil Trial" As presented on the 01/28/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Talk Matlock into coming out of retirement 9. Bolster public image by doing hilarious cameo appearance on "Suddenly Susan" 8. Produce surprise "confession letter" from the late Erma Bombeck 7. Convince jury that his Bruno Magli shoes acted on their own 6. Get name of lawyer who's been keeping the Clintons out of jail 5. Paralyze entire legal system by killing, like, 800 more people 4. Right when the judge says, "Guilty," yell, "Innocent" really loud and hope no one notices 3. Blame it all on that annoying "Lil' Penny Hardaway" puppet 2. Catchy new rhyme: "Everything O.J. said is true -- find him innocent or he'll kill you" 1. Four words: "It was Richard Jewell!" "Signs President Clinton is Angry" As presented on the 01/24/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. His pasty white thighs now have a dull red glow 9. He actually talked back to Hillary 8. The gravy in his veins rushes to his head 7. For a change, shots are being fired from the White House 6. He's using the F-word like he's Madonna 5. He can't even think about dating 4. Went to pet store, bought a newt, named it "Gingrich," barbecued it 3. He gives people on the White House tour the finger 2. When pizza was late, he beat delivery boy to death with a Yoo Hoo bottle 1. His '96 campaign slogan: "You can all bite me" "Martha Stewart's Worst Tips For Living" As presented on the 01/21/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. If you notice a guest using the "wrong" fork, pick up the "right" fork and jam it into his head 9. Heavily sedated pets make unusual centerpieces 8. Add glitter to every stinkin' thing you own 7. Nothing spruces up bathroom like potpourri & a stack of wrestling magazines 6. Kick off your O.J. dinner party by having Johnnie Cochran lie about what's in the chili 5. Old gym shorts stuffed with cat hair make great throw pillows 4. To liven up a "black tie only" affair, wear only a black tie 3. You want livin'? Take a Big Mac, coat with butter, then refry the sucker 2. Household putty is an excellent way to fill embarrassing gap between teeth 1. To enliven any salad try eating it while hanging by your hair "Ways the World Would Be Different if Everyone Were Named Kevin" As presented on the 01/17/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Former Secretary General of the United Nations: Kevin Kevin-Ghali 9. Musician Prince is "The Artist Formerly Known as and also is Currently Known as Kevin" 8. When someone says, "Knock, knock," and you say, "Who's there?" you can be pretty sure what's coming 7. Your cab driver's name: KEVIIWYŘNN 6. Fraternity guys would all be nicknamed "Kev-O" 5. Punchline to famous joke: "Kevin Goulet? Yeah" 4. When it sounds like Springsteen fans are booing, they're actually yelling "Kevin" 3. There's a really cool Twilight Zone episode about a guy named "Bob" 1. Popular snack: Slim Kevins "Dennis Rodman Excuses" As presented on the 01/16/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Thought the guys said, "Could you please kick me in the groin?" 9. His sneaker was attracted by powerful electomagnet hidden in guy's pants 8. He was just auditioning for the Rockettes 7. Two words: he's nuts 6. Wanted to do his part to end over-population 5. Saw deadly black widow spider on guy's lap 4. After intense soul-searching and several sessions with a psychoanalyst, believes he did it to get attention 3. Promised little boy in hospital he'd kick a guy in the groin for him 2. "It wasn't me -- it was that punk Michael Irvin!" 1. P.M.S. "Surprising Things O.J. Said on the Witness Stand" As presented on the 01/15/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. "Sorry I'm late -- I was out golfing with the jury from the criminal trial" 9. "From now on, call me 'The Murderer Formerly Known as O.J." 8. "Me no comprendo the ingles, your honor" 7. "How about I plead guilty to jaywalking and make this whole thing go away?" 6. "What kind of system is this -- I'm in court, and the New York Jets are out walking the streets!" 5. "Those Bruno Magli shoes weren't mine -- I never wear anything but Easy Spirit pumps" 3. "Who do I have to kill to get a glass of water around here?" 2. "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you...Oh, wait, I did get away with it" 1. "I did it -- so sue me!" "Other Disney World Attractions Being Closed for Renovations" As presented on the 01/10/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. It's a Small, Vermin-infested World 9. The Lion King's Litter Box 8. Mickey's "Loose Bolts" Roller Coaster 7. Spinning Tea Cups Full of Scalding Coffee 6. 101 Dalmatians Get Spayed and Neutered 5. The Country Bear "When Animals Attack" Jamboree 4. Computer Software Pirates of the Carribean 3. Journey through Goofy's Pancreas 2. Hall of Presidents of the Hair Club for Men 1. Robert Downey Jr.'s Wild Ride "Signs It's Cold and Flu Season in New York" As presented on the 01/09/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Fake Rolex guys also selling fake Sudafed 9. If you dial 911, you hear, "Everyone's out sick. Please call back in May" 8. To many feverish audience members, "Cats" is actually entertaining 7. Mob corpses in East River are wearing scarves and mittens 5. Street vendors boiling their hot dogs in Thera-Flu 4. Guy who rubs up agains you in the subway also feels your forehead to see if it's hot 3. Cab drivers wearing turbans made of used Kleenex 2. Drug dealers selling "nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, achy, stuffy-head, fever, so you can rest" crack 1. Sound of sneezing drowns out gunfire "Other Mistakes Admitted by President Clinton" As presented on the 01/29/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Shouldn't have sent warships to invade Oregon 9. On tour of NASA, broke into storeroom and ate all the freeze-dried ice cream 8. Taking bribes from crooked Indonesian businessmen really alienated crooked American businessmen 7. Unwittingly popularized phrase, "don't go there, girlfriend" 5. When voting for D.C. Mayor, wrote in candidate "McCheese" 4. Asked Barney Frank, "how's the wife?" 3. In moment of weakness, pardoned John Tesh for crimes against humanity "Signs President Clinton is Losing Weight" As presented on the 01/08/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. McDonald's reported a 4th quarter loss of $188 million dollars 9. His morning jog no longer registers on East Coast seismographs 8. He's been officially downgraded from "tubby" to "husky" 7. Canceled his traditional inaugural ball slow dance with Colonel Sanders 5. Can dodge subpoenas for hours without breaking a sweat 4. It's been six weeks since he accidentally bit off one of his fingertips 3. His blood type has changed from "chunky style" to "creamy" 2. Only woman caught sneaking out of the White House in the last few months is Richard Simmons 1. He's been holding entire cabinet meetings in his old pants "Other Toys Being Discontinued by Mattel" As presented on the 01/07/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Dr. Kevorkian's "Goodnight Grandpa" Kit 9. G.I. Joe with Wet, Hacking Cough 8. Robert Downey Jr. Home Pharmacy 7. Do-it-Yourself Jigsaw Puzzle (jigsaw included) 5. "Li'l" Unabomber" Chemistry Set 4. Barbie, Ken and Ken's Longtime Companion, Matthew 3. Gulp! The Coin-Swallowing Game 2. Adorable Wind-up Monkey with a Powerful Taste for Human Flesh 1. Tickle Me O.J. "Ways Newt Gingrich Can Improve His Image" As presented on the 01/06/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Start every speech by asking, "Who else here likes puppies?" 9. Train for a couple of months, then knock the heck out of Mike Tyson 8. Stop referring to Mexico as "the gigantic burrito to our south" 7. Do cameo in "Jurassic Park" sequel as peaceful, plant-eating dinosaur 5. Have his name changed to "Tickle Me Newt" 4. To make public appearances more lively, put a bug zapper in his pants 3. Once and for all, take off that goofy wig 2. Give every American $100 for each game lost by the New York Jets this season 1. Retire and disappear from public life forever "President Clinton's New Year's Resolutions" As presented on the 01/02/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 9. Make history as first President to veto a bill while up to his chin in gravy 8. Ignore Hillary next time she gets a "hot real estate tip" 7. Do his best to see that the National Anthem is changed to that "Welcome Back, Kotter" song 6. Outlaw the New York Jets 4. Less waffling, more waffles! 3. Find out why Melissa Etheridge doesn't respond to his advances 2. Allocate funds to establish a National Institute of Lap-Dancing 1. Lose 125 pounds: Hillary